I ventured back to the gym today: thirty minutes on the elliptical trainer. I didn’t run as many miles as I used to, and I didn’t crank the level up like I did before I got sick, but it was thirty minutes nonetheless. Maybe the hardest part was going to the locker room to shower and change. I’m self-conscious of my swollen belly and my scars. As shallow as it sounds, when you used to look good naked and suddenly you only look good naked from very specific angles, it’s a heartbreaker. I mourn my flat stomach and sexy midriff like good friends I’ve lost. Maybe in time I will have them back.
I had discovered some old gift cards that still had balances, so I headed off to the mall. I found two new tops at Hot Topic that were cute and covered my port-a-cath. It’s wonderful for my veins not to be constantly stuck with needles, but the port-a-cath is a constant reminder that things aren’t normal. I bought some makeup brush wipes at Sephora, and headed off to Target to pick up my contacts and a copy of “Twilight” for Claudia’s birthday. Then came the inevitable trip to the pharmacy, and I was home.
We hit our second Halloween party that night, at Courtney and Carissa’s. We wore our same costumes. I hadn’t seen either of them in ages, so it was nice to show up Gothed out and at a healthy weight. People who are worried about me always seems relieved after they see that in most ways I’m still the same old me. The party was brimming with a young male energy that made me appreciate my 30s a lot. Courtney’s band played in the garage, and we stayed until the mosh pit broke out. Though I am a veteran of many pits, I didn’t want to get thrown around and get a nosebleed or something, so we split.
